Sunday 13 December 2015

{I've received so many of these this year from obnoxious friends and relatives describing round-the world trips, safaris in Africa and glittering personal achievements, so I thought I'd reply with one of my own.}


A Christmas round robin letter from the Davey Family!!


Hi All !!

It's been a totally amazing year for the Davey family! So here's a quick rundown of all the daft, crazy, whacky things we've been up to in 2015!

Back in January we bought a new tumble drier! Yay!! It's brilliant! It gets the soggiest garment dry in no time at all. In fact, it's so effective that I once took a pair of shorts out and bunged them straight on (I tend to go "Commando" with summer shorts) not realising how hot the zipper gets! Yikes!! My other half couldn't think what all the screaming was about! I'm still bearing the scar!

 
Our amazing new tumble dryer!!
 
 
In March my mother-in-law Pat, who's 96 and normally rather low-key socially, suddenly decided to throw a surprise 90th birthday party for her friend Hazel Bevis, which really was a surprise for Hazel since her birthday's in July. Nonetheless she entered into the spirit of things with gusto, blowing out one of her nine candles (one for each decade) while we all sang Happy Birthday to You! She was so excited by the whole occasion that she passed out and we had to call an ambulance!! I shouldn't laugh really, but I just can't help myself, it was all so ridiculous! The lovely paramedics came and pumped her full of oxygen and she was fine, so happy endings all round then!!
 
The highpoint of April was when I had someone's finger up my bum! No, really! Before your filthy minds get carried away with the idea, let me hastily add that the finger in question belonged to my GP who was giving me what's tastefully known as a DRE (Digital Rectal Examination). He was so astonished by what his digit discovered up there that he immediately sent me off to a urologist who stuck HIS finger up my bum (My poor bottom!!) I have to say, though, that having his finger up my bum was a lot pleasanter than the GP's (not that having ANYONE'S finger up one's bum is ever pleasant, I hasten to add VERY EMPHATICALLY!!) - just relatively so. I was then sent off to Eastbourne for an MRI scan which was quite fun since it was performed by this stunningly beautiful Asian radiologist who asked me in dark, sultry tones if I'd emptied my bladder recently. As I was lying nervously on the slab waiting for the machine to swallow me up, she suddenly thrust her hand deep inside my pocket and I thought for one wonderful moment that she wanted to have her wicked way with me! It turned out that a 5p piece had got stuck in the lining of my trousers and was driving the machine crazy!!
 
But enough of that rather distasteful subject. What else? Oh yes, I was summoned to do a massive stint of Jury Service in July and August (BOR-ING!) so we didn't actually get away on hols this year, though we did go to a funeral in Oxfordshire which was fun. Speaking of funerals, my neighbour Alan Goodrich died of a massive heart attack while watching a murder mystery called 'Rosemary and Thyme'. I've never seen it myself but apparently it features two very annoying ladies who are supposed to be gardeners but spend most of their time investigating very unlikely murders where the killer's signature style might be, for example, to stuff his victim in a rhubarb forcer with a marigold stuck in his privates. Not that that's relevant to poor old Alan's unfortunate demise, of course. I feel so sorry for him because he's now got to go through all eternity not knowing who did it!!
 
Oh, and we went on a long weekend to Norfolk where we saw this hilarious sign!!
 
 
 
We just couldn't stop laughing! So English!!
 
Oh, and we also visited Wenlock Abbey where we saw this AMAZING topiary in the shape of Basil Brush!!
 


 
Another high point of the year was when we took mother-in-law to see a very energetic performance of 'Hamlet' by the ubiquitous Benedict Cumberbatch on live stream. Her comment in the interval was that it was 'a bit gloomy'. Her other comment was that the dress Ophelia was wearing during the mad scene 'didn't do anything for her at all'. When Lyndy remarked that the poor girl had been driven insane, she replied pointedly, 'Just because you're melancholic doesn't mean you have to look a mess'. Her generation had standards, even when you're committing suicide!!
 
 
My whacky mother-in-law being taken on a "church crawl" which she loves!
 
So that's about it really! Our amazingly beautiful and talented children continue to go from strength to strength in their chosen professions. Joe is still in China, teaching and doing Tai Chi and writing a hilarious novel called 'The Legend of Frogfish' which I, for one, think is a masterpiece. Kitty is an English teacher in Battle. They both have lovely partners but we don't have any grandchildren yet. We do have a grand-cocker-spaniel, though, called Archie, who belongs to Kitty and her partner Ben, who we look after frequently (Archie, not Ben!!) and which brings us constant joy - though he does have some dietary issues which make him a little aromatic at times, but then I'm sure grandchildren have those too.

So it just remains for me to wish everyone an AMAZING Christmas and a happy, prosperous and, above all, peaceful New Year!!

XXXXX


 
A freezing Kitty under a "Mr Whippy" cloud!
 
Joe attempting to strangle two lovely Chinese people - a rather worrying tendency he's developed.
 
 
Archie, our surrogate grandchild!
 
 

16 comments:

  1. Wonderful, Pedro! Far better than any travelogue! I have real laughter tears - the best!

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  2. And Archie is gorgeous! I also have a surrogate grandchild, a cocker spaniel named Charlie, but then I think you've seen a photo of him too. Lovely!

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  3. Thanks so much Val! I'm glad you liked it. Yes, I've seen Charlie being cuddled by your lovely daughter. Canine grandchildren are the best!! X

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    1. They're certainly the least demanding and you don't have to buy them Christmas presents (although it has been known)! I'm not complaining, me X

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  4. I read your post aloud to Koos. We both howled with laughter all over again. He said to tell you it's brilliant :)))

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  5. Ahh, dear Koos! I'm getting to know him a little better as I'm reading 'Walloon Ways'. So enjoying it, Val! You deserve a grant from the Belgian Tourist Board.

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    1. Thank you so much, Pedro!! I didn't know you were reading it! I'm so glad you like it...maybe I should talk to the tourist people....hmm now there's a thought!

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    2. Yes, I bought it yesterday and started it last night. Would have got it sooner but Lyndy's been hogging my kindle reading the set texts for her exam marking - much cheaper than buying them in book form. I love your books because you write so vividly it's like going on holiday without leaving one's armchair! X

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    3. Thank you again. So much. This has really made my day more than somewhat, Pedro. A big cyber hug on its way! xx

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  6. This is brilliant. I have actually received very similar ones!!!! 'Look, we are super happy and successful, the children are revolting little paragons of virtue, and I'm now so important that I can't be bothered to get in touch the rest of the year but never pass up the opportunity to show off, come Christmas.' Just fuck off, right??!! I remember when my sister got one, one year, I wrote a piss take one for her to send back. The big scaredy cat wouldn't send it. I reckon that anyone who sends these appalling things out is so thick skinned they wouldn't realise they're having the piss taken out of them.

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  7. I so agree, Terry. I keep getting them from cousins whose conceit seems unlimited and yet they're not really conceited people so my only conclusion is that they're just plain stupid. I feel like writing back and saying 'I think you're confusing me with someone who gives a f****' Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it, Terry, and thanks for commenting.

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    1. Do it, but don't be a big wuss and use the stars!!!! Oh, the ghastly little quips, too - save me from any blog post series, round robin letters, or books about people and their wacky domestic lives. One thing the authors of these do is to give each member a name to make them seem more kooky: "Party Girl", "Mr Grumbles" or "Zombie Boy". Once the name has been given, zany actions can be attributed to them. Many have attempted this genre, few can make it anything other than revolting.

      They're so boring, apart from anything else, aren't they??? "Jan is as busy as ever, and in July added to her workload by taking on the admin for the PTA". Me, I'm riveted.

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    2. Giving family members a handle is brilliant. It seems these missives fall into different categories. You have the 'oh we're so rich and amazing with our 3 holidays a year because we're so exhausted after having the decorators in for 4 months.' Then there's the 'we're so perfect and virtuous in a modest low-key kind of a way (Jan and the PTA, pillars of our local church etc).' And then there's the 'our entire family is completely whacky and ditzy and has a mental age of six.' And you can always tell how funny a line is by the number of exclamation marks after it!!! Thanks for your feedback, Terry - you're so sharp and funny with such a shrewd eye, I'm not surprised your writing's so popular.

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  8. Terry's referring to my very pretentious first boyfriend, who would send these ghastly letters every year. But we loved them, we used to gather the family together and read them aloud. I was gutted when he stopped sending them, they just screamed to be taken the piss out of. I still have them, kept them in a file in date order! Brilliant post, Pedro.

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  9. So I'm assuming that relationship didn't stay the distance, Julia.

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  10. Sarky bugger! we actually send a letter with a card ...only put facts in, hopefully interesting ones, and pics of interesting family stuff (like ruby wedding)Yep, I hater the 'we are all stars' letter, but don't knock the concept entirely....some are a great way to catch up on family news....and much better than all the endless pics of people's meals and how far they have shot up the Amazon charts and how many bloody words they wrote today!!!

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